What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
