sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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