I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
