I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
