update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she looked like the before picture.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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