they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
