Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
