R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
