He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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