Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
