my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Randomize
