Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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