Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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