We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
