You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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