the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
