i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
