I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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