I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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