did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
