I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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