woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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