it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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