She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
