meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
