that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
