I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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