3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
