I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
