I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
