i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
