I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
