I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
