my phone needs a breathalizer
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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