didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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