Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
