Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
