I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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