I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
