I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
