I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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