I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize