if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
