Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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