im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
