can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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