I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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