Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize