Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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