im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
