I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It was confusing and full of hummus
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
