I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
