im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
