the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
