If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
