Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
