here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I love you.
Bad choice
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
