I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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