So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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